"Sex and the City" and Friendships

About a month ago, I spent a Friday night with a great friend of mine and we watched "Sex and The City." I've been an avid follower of this delicious HBO series for years and was quite saddened when it aired its final episode sometime ago. So all the hype and publicity to propagate the movie was well worth it. Personally, I feel that Carrie Bradshaw, strongly portrayed by Sarah Jessica Parker, along with the three other main divas (Cynthia Nixon, Kristin Davis, and Kim Catrall) lived up to their followers' expectations. They surely met mine.

The series itself did an amazing job narrating the various lifestyles of women in their 30-something life cycle, and many of us vicariously lived through the triumphs, miseries, failures, and successes in their personal relationships. But most importantly, the show depicted the authentic nature of friendships, one that though rooted in solid ground of hodge podge of personalities, love, and solidarity amongst each other may find it difficult and challenging at times to stay afloat, lend support, and even maintain the connection.

So afterwards, my friend and I continued the evening with a late dinner and we found ourselves really immersed in conversation about the movie. We practically disected the entire anatomy of the film and eventually focused on the following question: Who among the characters do you relate to?

So that was easy for me - Miranda Hobbs, portrayed by Cynthia Nixon. I truly hated her character in the series because she reminded me of an uptight, man-hating lesbian (no offense to you ladies, I'm family myself) who just pissed at anyone who showed some signs of happiness and meaningful romantic relationship. Hahaha, ok maybe that's why I eventually ended up relating to her character so much. Anyway, after much more analyzation of Miranda, I realized that what really fascinates me about her is the"no bullshit" personality. She may have her personal biases, issues about men and relationships, and cynical outlook on life, but she strikes me as a powerful woman. She's educated, career-oriented, independent, and though a late-bloomer developed into quite a gorgeous redhead. She also seems to be the type who deals with her ghosts and all the fearful qualities of life. She may rant and bitch about it, but she's always dealt with and confronted some of the most uncomfortable and disconcerting issues in the show, particularly her fear of love, attachment, and abandonment . So more power to you, Miranda Hobbs!

The juicy conversation then diverted to the issue of friendships. My friend and I were once part of such a dynamic of a group of cosmopolitans during our 20s - 30 something. Damn, that socialization process was such hard work! And mind you, though there seemed to be a budding strong friendship quality to the group, that became merely a mask with many underlying individual complexes that just made it challenging to create homogeny. Going out to the clubs every weekend, figuring out what to wear, what guy was the eye candy of the week or month, talking about the sordid escapades of unrequited love and sexual encounters became old news to me, and I lost interest. It was also at this moment that I met my then partner of 8 years and I was applying to graduate schools. I felt like I wasn't being taken seriously, and most of our conversations revolved around men. It just lacked substance, and I found myself spending less time with the group until i lost touch with them completely. I must say though that I thank these three wonderful guys because much of the fun and joy I experienced in my gay 20s involved them, and for that I'm forever grateful. These guys can really party hard! Last year, we reconnected, and for old time's sake, we had dinner at one of San Francisco's posh restaurants and went to a club after. It's amazing how everyone still looks well-maintained and hot..LOL. We've matured very gracefully, and the universe has been really good to the four of us.

So my friend and I came to a concensus that friendships either thrive and evolve or stagnate and eventually dissolve. I suppose that this is neither good nor bad, it just is. And perhaps the longevity of the connection is reliant upon the purpose of being connected to begin with. Once the purpose has been completed, maybe we sometimes have to let go of what no longer serves us so that we may continue to learn, grow, and evolve.

Overall it was a time well spent with my bff (best friend forever haha). This is truly one connection that has evolved through the years as we constantly renew and update our contract with one another. Thanks bff, love ya.

I've attached a youtube snippet of "Sex and the City" movie. Enjoy...I did.

New Beginning...New Learnings

Summer is officially over for me beginning tomorrow, school goes back into session. I don't know whether to leap for joy or weep for once again submitting myself to an array of provocative, evocative, life-altering mental workout. I'm entering my doctorate program's second year, and not a day passes by that i don't question why I'm pursuing such a deeply involved and monumental endeavour. It's so intense!

I am in the midst of resculpting my life, and many times I am very overwhelmed by not so much the myriad of the alterations that are taking place but by the intensity of the emotion of fear that is so unshakable at times that I feel very much crippled and despaired. As fragments of myself are being chiseled, I am left feeling raw, vulnerable, and exposed. My heart and soul ache, yet my conscious mind nonchalantly shrug this off as inconvenient nonsense, false and histrionic. My recent state of affairs have been very present in my dreams lately, and there have been moments when their emotional component is carried over to my waking state, fermenting and lasting. This is what being in the Ph.D. program has done to me so far. Surprisingly enough, in the past year I've learned more about myself that I ever have at any given moment. I think I just had an "aha" moment. Perhaps this is the reason why I'm insistent on taking this path. I really want to rediscover more of who I am and what my reality is all about, based on nobody else's agenda but my own.

So as I begin a new chapter of experiences, I'm accruing more wisdom. I'm stepping into my power, and I embrace this with much openness and gratitude.

Filipinoness

So I'm really in love with this song that speaks about pride for one's roots, heritage, and race. And I am extremely proud to be a Filipino in America, one who represents the collective desires, optimism, and hope for success of my fellow brothers and sisters from my homeland. Growing up in the States, I feel fortunate to have had the opportunities to really declare who I am and what continues to unfold for me. And as I continue to evolve, I find myself very much drawn to my roots. There's a feeling of wanting to "come home" and really embody all the beauty the motherland, Pilipinas, represents.

The Dream - A Tribute to My Late Grandfather, Macario

as i sit in an empty room in my house, my departed lolo walked in to pay me a visit. we began to reminisce about the time when i was four years old and we trekked in the remote jungle of the philippines. during our trip, we got lost and couldn't find our way back home, but an enchanted horse appeared out of nowhere and spoke to us, "come follow me, and i will take you home." we made it home safe and sound just as the sun was beginning to rise. and then i woke up.

What I Discovered in My Trip to Maui

The Unchanging Self

With every beat of my heart

I hear you calling my name.

With every pulse

I feel you gently caressing my spirit.

With every thought that passes

I see you dancing in the moonlight.

You are part of my every waking moment.

As we journey towards the path of time

I find comfort in your presence.

And as we lull ourselves back

into the quiet darkness and stillness of the day’s end

I find safety in your love and guidance.

I am with you always

with you at all times.

With every whisper of the wind

I am calling your name.

With the rising and shining of the sun

I am caressing your spirit.

And at each time you smile

I am dancing with you.

You and I are one.

There is no duality.

There is no separation.

There is only oneness.

Honor me.

Honor yourself.

For you and I are part of The Unchanging Self.

The Alpha and the Omega.

Pure.

Constant.

Everlasting.

Beloved.

-rod penalosa

The Healing Heart...

When your heart is broken, and you've given yourself enough time to mourn the loss, the best thing to remember is to TRY TO LET GO AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT. The heart is broken because it’s torn apart. It's shattered because it received blows from life and didn't know what to do with all that pressure. The heart is broken because there are contradictory forces pulling on it.

Life isn’t trying to take something away from you when your heart breaks, instead it’s trying to show you a new sense of wholeness. It's forcing you to step back and re-evaluate your individualism. Most oftenly when we fall in love, we lose our sense of identity . Many times we become so immersed into the relationship that we become co-dependent with our partners, or addicted to the fantasy of being "in love."

Our moments of solitude when we are alone and heart-broken, the winter of our hearts, don't have to be just the season of mourning and grief. This period in our life allows us to step back for a moment and see things as they really are, unveling the reality and eliminating the fantasy. Each event in our lives serves a purpose, even the end of a relationship. When we can recognize that the moments of life are complimentary of each other to reveal something valuable to us, not to steal something from us, our sense of wholeness seeps in that allows us to participate in life and maybe love once again.

Remember that your life is your life. Your attention belongs to you. Nobody else and nothing owns your attention but you. Don't give your attention to things and emotions that cause you any kind of limitations. Reclaim your attention. How is that person’s (your ex for instance) attitude or behavior owning your attention? Learn to listen to your heart wisely. Be sensitive to your own body. Begin to see your awareness and become conscious of your feelings. STOP, REFLECT, AND LISTEN. Remember, feelings or emotions are only energies flowing through your body. Don't give them any power....unless you want to.

Avoid watching movies and tv shows as well as listening to songs that evoke feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, etc. Most importantly, take care of yourself. Sleep when you're tired, eat when you feel like indulging. Don't deprive yourself of life's comfort. If you have the energy, exercise; this is a proven way of increasing the levels of dopamine to alleviate mild forms of depression. Engage in responsible, casual, safe sex (and I know that people will whine and get all self-righteous about this, but I'm just being real). Love's got nothing to do with sex. Finally, learn from your mistakes, get back out there and take a chance with love once again. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger......

The Dancer

Dance is the metaphor that symbolizes this monumental occasion of self-actualization that is taking place in my life. The passion, emotions, stories, movements, rhythm, mechanics, and partnerships harmoniously interplay with one another to create the beautiful masterpiece that is unfolding and revealing itself to me slowly.

My spirit yearns to dance like the flame that brings light into the dark corners of life. Dancing feeds my soul, and the Divine Feminine who resides inside my heart dances to celebrate life and to rejoice for the healing and transformation of The Self. She is the “Babaylan,” the shamanic priestess, healer, folk therapist, and leader from the indigenous tribe of the Philippines. Her movement heals, her beauty transcends what the physical eyes can’t see, and her wisdom is omnipotent. I embrace and thank her for her guidance, her influence, and her teachings. She’s ready to come out, and I’m allowing her.

An Ode to Being Chubby/Husky/Big..Whatev!

one of my fave entries which i'm revisiting since i'm still on this quest:

so i read an article from cosmopolitan a couple of years ago about gwen stefani, who by the way has a really kick-ass body, and she quoted something along the lines of, "it hurts to look this good." being that we live in the world that is 90% egocentric, superficial attributes have become more valuable than inner qualities.

so i was at the gym last night, where i initially wanted to look cool and well poised (how gay is that for real), but 15 minutes down the line on the treadmill when i was sweating buckets and my nicely-fitted white T was drenched, i said, "FUCK IT.." at that point, i didn't care about anything else but completing my 30 minutes and getting enough oxygen in my lungs! GAAAHH, i was calling out all the angels and saints of the heavens above to give me the strength because it hurt so baaaadd, especially the last 10 minutes!!! that's when i realized, "motherfucker, it's so hard to look as beautiful as me." then i laughed out loud of course. then to avoid grossing people out, i wore my hooded sweater despite the buckets of sweat pouring out of me, and as i listened to my ipod i began lifting weights to the song by scissor sisters, "CUZ YOU'RE FIIILLLTTHHYY, AND YOU'RE GORJJJEEZZZ! YOU'RE DISGUSSSTTING. OOOOHH, AND YOU'RE NAASSTEEEH" but dammit, there's nothing worst than people hovering over you while you're trying to concentrate on your counts and rhythm, and that just totally irritated me. but it was a great workout nonetheless.

so i finished my workout, and all of a sudden, i had this intense craving for nachos, and my fave nacho arrangement is a bed of freshly-fried tortilla chips with guacamole and salsa on top and grilled chicken breast (heavy on the guacamole please). but after the torturous moment i had on the treadmill, there was no way that i would give in to this temptation. so i opted for my protein shake instead, a pear, and a fuji apple. obviously they weren't as decadent nor satisfying but they eliminated the hunger mongrel.

so why am i blogging about "looking good?" i'm not one of those typical twinky gay boys (thank God and the Goddess) or musclemen who have been blessed with high metabolism and can eat anything and not gain an ounce of fat. i also love food, and at one point in my life i can honestly say that this has become an addiction for me. the countdown to my 37th birthday is rapidly approaching (uuhhm i'm 38 now, just an fyi), and though i will forever be 28 in my heart and soul, i have to be realistic as far as what i need to do so that i may live a long and meaningful existence.

now that i'm older, i vow to be even healthier in mind, body, and spirit. great health is a must for me, but without being hypocritical, DAAAMMN, I WANNA LOOK EVEN BETTER! and yes it hurts to workout, and there are plenty of times when i would rather trade my bed for the treadmill or the workout bench, but every time i finish a good workout, the rewards are fanfuckintastic! and yessss, for 37, (DIDN'T I JUST SAY 38?) i look damn good! i'm feeling better, and getting healthier. hey, if we can't learn to love ourselves first and appreciate our accomplishments, achievements, even the lessons that we're learning from our setbacks, then we might as well dig a whole six feet under and jump in. love needs to come through from our core first before we can expect to give and receive the same.

so i still put a lot of value on the saying that, "it's the inside that counts..." but for heaven's sake darling, what positive quality of life will all that "good insides" bring into your life if you're unhappy about your exteriorities? remember, what you put out there and what you represent for yourself is exactly what the universe will throw right back at you.

i'm on my way to reaching my goals, my ideal physical status, but as long as i'm learning along the way throughout this journey, the destination is just the icing on the cake...DID SOMEBODY SAY CAKE???

Ready..Set..(sssiiggghh)..GO!

Wow. Has it really been almost two years since I last blogged?!? To say that so many events have taken place, dreams materialized, goals failed and revamped, and aspects of my persona developed won't even do it justice. TWO F*KN YEARS. Okaaay, breathe, Rod, and chillax.


So why blog once again? Well, I find that journaling for me has been therapeutic, though I don't do it often enough which only validates the thought that I'm probably just as nutty and emo as I've always been. But also, I feel called to start documenting some of my milestones.


So where should I start aside from the beginning. Hhhmmm, well how about a continuation of my last entry entitled, "My Homage to the Last Seven Years of Peanut and Poohpie." Well, eight years later, and we mutually decided to take the "boyfriend" status out of the equation. See, ok folks, WE KNEW YOU'D REACT THIS WAY THAT'S WHY A YEAR LATER AND WE STILL HAVEN'T REALLY MADE AN OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. We're doing very well, great as a mater of fact. After eight years of love and growth, we felt that it would benefit both of us if we explored our personal individual maturation. There's such a strong will to individuate and really relinquish who we are as individuals. This is not a cop-out or an excuse to be self-centered or escape the responsibilities and challenges of being part of a partnership dynamic. We simply realized that the deeper we journeyed into our relationship, the more we began to lose our sense of self. And the focus, effort, time, and attention became fixated on the coupleship. It became "Peanut and Pooh" rather than Peanut and Pooh. Even more so, we were labeled as "the powerhouse gay asian couple" by friends, family, and peers, and talk about pressure galore!


This process was very difficult. Though mutually agreed upon, we cried, fought, yelled, and cried some more together for months. But to salvage the "boyfriend" status just was not an option. It felt right, still does despite some of the painstaking adjustments. But we both continue to gain so much at who we are becoming in each other's lives. To say that Poohpie (Ken) is my best friend is minimizing what we have. To say that he's become like my brother IS JUST PLAIN GROSS! EEEWW? HOW INCESTUOUS IS THAT IMPLICATION?!? To say that he's my "life partner" will only confuse people - "How can you refer to him as your life partner when he's no longer your boyfriend?" But that's who and what he represents in my life, a partner, my soul partner.....YES! Wouldn't it be hilar to walk around introducing him to people, particularly the left-brained republicans of the mighty US of A: Hello there, please meet my soul partner Ken..." TRIPPY! I oughta try it.

We're much happier, so much more than when we were dating, so much more than when we were having the best time under the "boyfriend" status. Why, you might ask? Because for the first time in our lives we are able to love each other with freedom. We're able to love each other without the fear of losing one another due to some third-party who has the insecurity and low self-confidence and pitiful self-esteem of a plastic doll. We can be authentic and nurture our personal journeys without guilt. There's no abandonment, neglect, or ambivalence. There is only pure love. There is only acceptance. There is only friendship and partnership in the true essence of the word.

I know that this is a relationship dynamic that may be challenging for many to comprehend or even conceptualize. But living an alternative lifestyle as an educated, strong, and empowered gay Filipino male in the United States of America, if that alone does not qualify me as the poster boy for diversity in every aspect of the word, then I don't know what will. I've always danced to the beat of my own drums, so why stop now.

Cheers to you, poohpie.

Now it's time to continue moving forward :).