“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson
what a profound affirmation of strength and empowerment. it really is all about love, loving self and others.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Letting Go
"go ahead and ring your bells, light your candles, and call out to God but beware because when He comes he will put you on his anvil and beat you and beat you until he turns brass into pure gold." - jack kornfield
it's been quite some time since i've expressed the ramblings of my inner world publicly. i've had a lot of time in the past several months to sit and stew in my thoughts and emotions, much of which are even difficult for me to articulate to this day. i've often wondered how a man who has so much passion for being the catalyst to the healing and transformation of others have such uncertainties and insecurities about his own trajectory manifesting in an array of discontent and consisting of many underlying representations of his own internal dramas. am i losing it? have i somehow fallen into the abyss of my clients' mental and emotional clutter? why do i all of a sudden feel stagnant and imobile, as if i am merely a participant in the experimentation of life and somebody else is actually navigating and in control? whatever happened to my source of equanimity?
my quest for spiritual growth comes with a price. i have been on this path for almost six years now, excluding the first thrity plus years of my life since birth! and my God (no pun intended), there are times when i feel beaten, drenched, and rinsed that all i can do is to scream and shout, "OKAAAAYYY!!! JUST TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO THEN?!" but in spite all this, the process of coming out unscathed and wiser is a validation of my truth and authenticity.
it's wonderful to be reminded that we don't always have to be in control of situations. we can just let go and let God. this is not to say that we shouldn't take responsibility for our own actions and creation, but to remember or be open to the possibility that perhaps there's a force exponentially much more powerful than us who is responsible for everything that is taking place, that we are just a small aspect of the grand revelation.
somebody asked me not long ago, "what is your concept of God? " i paused for a few minutes because as i unravelled this existential question, i realized that my relationship to the Divine has changed yet i still feel a hint of guilt about the ideology that i am adopting....and embodying. my response: God is the ultimate source, and since we come from that source we are godly. God is not the man with the beard who micromanages our life and existence. God is neither a He or a She who punishes, judges, or condemns. God is within, in our hearts, enmeshed with our spirit, and in every DNA component of our being. the whole creation is God.
i respect people's diversity, and we all follow our own set of belief systems. but i guess my point is God or no God, we must all find that source of inner strength within us, the part of our being that is pure and everlasting because when all else fails and life just seems so unbearable, we have to know that there's a way out of that darkness, that there's a force within our reach that can aid us in navigating our broken hearts through the dark corners of our minds...back to life. it is during these moments of alchemy when we are then transformed into gold.
be well.
it's been quite some time since i've expressed the ramblings of my inner world publicly. i've had a lot of time in the past several months to sit and stew in my thoughts and emotions, much of which are even difficult for me to articulate to this day. i've often wondered how a man who has so much passion for being the catalyst to the healing and transformation of others have such uncertainties and insecurities about his own trajectory manifesting in an array of discontent and consisting of many underlying representations of his own internal dramas. am i losing it? have i somehow fallen into the abyss of my clients' mental and emotional clutter? why do i all of a sudden feel stagnant and imobile, as if i am merely a participant in the experimentation of life and somebody else is actually navigating and in control? whatever happened to my source of equanimity?
my quest for spiritual growth comes with a price. i have been on this path for almost six years now, excluding the first thrity plus years of my life since birth! and my God (no pun intended), there are times when i feel beaten, drenched, and rinsed that all i can do is to scream and shout, "OKAAAAYYY!!! JUST TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO THEN?!" but in spite all this, the process of coming out unscathed and wiser is a validation of my truth and authenticity.
it's wonderful to be reminded that we don't always have to be in control of situations. we can just let go and let God. this is not to say that we shouldn't take responsibility for our own actions and creation, but to remember or be open to the possibility that perhaps there's a force exponentially much more powerful than us who is responsible for everything that is taking place, that we are just a small aspect of the grand revelation.
somebody asked me not long ago, "what is your concept of God? " i paused for a few minutes because as i unravelled this existential question, i realized that my relationship to the Divine has changed yet i still feel a hint of guilt about the ideology that i am adopting....and embodying. my response: God is the ultimate source, and since we come from that source we are godly. God is not the man with the beard who micromanages our life and existence. God is neither a He or a She who punishes, judges, or condemns. God is within, in our hearts, enmeshed with our spirit, and in every DNA component of our being. the whole creation is God.
i respect people's diversity, and we all follow our own set of belief systems. but i guess my point is God or no God, we must all find that source of inner strength within us, the part of our being that is pure and everlasting because when all else fails and life just seems so unbearable, we have to know that there's a way out of that darkness, that there's a force within our reach that can aid us in navigating our broken hearts through the dark corners of our minds...back to life. it is during these moments of alchemy when we are then transformed into gold.
be well.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Reflection
Autumn marks the season of harvest and bounty and the reaping of ripened crops, just as it also symbolizes the time that initiates decay and expiration, a necessary process that ultimately leads to growth and transformation. This is a fitting metaphor for where I am in my journey.
In the last five years of my life I have been on a spiritual quest, yearning to experience a much more meaningful existence so that I may evolve into a higher level of consciousness, and it was during this period when I came to the realization that I have redefined my relationship to God. Prior to this moment of my spiritual awakening, religion had always been at the center of my life, and coming from a devout Catholic upbringing, my faith was the adhesive that bonded the two most significant facets of my life together: my family and my sense of self. In re-examining my faith, I began to question the validity of the dogmatized creed that ruled my life. Because my dissolution into my faith left me with a weak sense of self, this process of spiritual exploration is something that I still find challenging and at times inflicted with fear and guilt because of my strong connection to Catholicism. I find that there is a tremendous amount of responsibility associated with being a seeker. It is the process of disconnection, discovery, and discernment. It is the actualization of the spirit, the death of the familiar associations from limiting beliefs and values, and the rebirth of the illuminated psyche. Progressively, I am realizing that what I found to be a desecration of my Catholic faith such as my exploration of shamanism, metaphysics, and Eastern practices became my sources of inner peace and healing. In questioning the authentic nature of God, I am finding myself.
As part of my doctorate curriculum, I registered for the Spiritual Counseling class with the intention of fulfilling a requirement for the Spiritual Counseling Certificate program, but I am very certain that this is a process in and of itself that will address many underlying issues for me pertaining to my continuously evolving relationship to God. I get the sense that I’m going to get more than what I bargained for, thus I’m approaching this class very cautiously. Paradoxically, the lure and deterrent of the class for me is its extremely experiential and personal approach. In the last couple of sessions, matters that I thought have been dealt with resurfaced once again bringing forth the same quality of energy that it once did for me as a child, matters dealing with God, homosexuality, punishment, damnation, and faith. It is unnerving to have to face these issues once again yet there’s a certain kind of strength, empowerment, and peace that shadow this acquaintanceship.
In taking the Spiritual Counseling course, I am interested in learning about how to effectively deal with transference and counter-transference from the spiritual counseling paradigm. How does a psychotherapist effectively balance the clinical and spiritual approaches of working with non-existential crisis such as certain mood disorders? How do we guide the client, spiritually, safely and effectively?
I am looking forward to unveiling my authenticity as I peel the layers of my values, belief systems, and inherited notions that no longer serve the purpose for me to learn, transform, and evolve. So as I begin a new chapter of triumphs, successes, failed attempts, and difficulties I'm accruing more wisdom, and I'm stepping into my personal power. I try my best to embrace every facet of my journey with such openness and gratitude as I gently remind myself that this is part of the whole process of individuation and growth.
In the last five years of my life I have been on a spiritual quest, yearning to experience a much more meaningful existence so that I may evolve into a higher level of consciousness, and it was during this period when I came to the realization that I have redefined my relationship to God. Prior to this moment of my spiritual awakening, religion had always been at the center of my life, and coming from a devout Catholic upbringing, my faith was the adhesive that bonded the two most significant facets of my life together: my family and my sense of self. In re-examining my faith, I began to question the validity of the dogmatized creed that ruled my life. Because my dissolution into my faith left me with a weak sense of self, this process of spiritual exploration is something that I still find challenging and at times inflicted with fear and guilt because of my strong connection to Catholicism. I find that there is a tremendous amount of responsibility associated with being a seeker. It is the process of disconnection, discovery, and discernment. It is the actualization of the spirit, the death of the familiar associations from limiting beliefs and values, and the rebirth of the illuminated psyche. Progressively, I am realizing that what I found to be a desecration of my Catholic faith such as my exploration of shamanism, metaphysics, and Eastern practices became my sources of inner peace and healing. In questioning the authentic nature of God, I am finding myself.
As part of my doctorate curriculum, I registered for the Spiritual Counseling class with the intention of fulfilling a requirement for the Spiritual Counseling Certificate program, but I am very certain that this is a process in and of itself that will address many underlying issues for me pertaining to my continuously evolving relationship to God. I get the sense that I’m going to get more than what I bargained for, thus I’m approaching this class very cautiously. Paradoxically, the lure and deterrent of the class for me is its extremely experiential and personal approach. In the last couple of sessions, matters that I thought have been dealt with resurfaced once again bringing forth the same quality of energy that it once did for me as a child, matters dealing with God, homosexuality, punishment, damnation, and faith. It is unnerving to have to face these issues once again yet there’s a certain kind of strength, empowerment, and peace that shadow this acquaintanceship.
In taking the Spiritual Counseling course, I am interested in learning about how to effectively deal with transference and counter-transference from the spiritual counseling paradigm. How does a psychotherapist effectively balance the clinical and spiritual approaches of working with non-existential crisis such as certain mood disorders? How do we guide the client, spiritually, safely and effectively?
I am looking forward to unveiling my authenticity as I peel the layers of my values, belief systems, and inherited notions that no longer serve the purpose for me to learn, transform, and evolve. So as I begin a new chapter of triumphs, successes, failed attempts, and difficulties I'm accruing more wisdom, and I'm stepping into my personal power. I try my best to embrace every facet of my journey with such openness and gratitude as I gently remind myself that this is part of the whole process of individuation and growth.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
"Sex and the City" and Friendships
About a month ago, I spent a Friday night with a great friend of mine and we watched "Sex and The City." I've been an avid follower of this delicious HBO series for years and was quite saddened when it aired its final episode sometime ago. So all the hype and publicity to propagate the movie was well worth it. Personally, I feel that Carrie Bradshaw, strongly portrayed by Sarah Jessica Parker, along with the three other main divas (Cynthia Nixon, Kristin Davis, and Kim Catrall) lived up to their followers' expectations. They surely met mine.
The series itself did an amazing job narrating the various lifestyles of women in their 30-something life cycle, and many of us vicariously lived through the triumphs, miseries, failures, and successes in their personal relationships. But most importantly, the show depicted the authentic nature of friendships, one that though rooted in solid ground of hodge podge of personalities, love, and solidarity amongst each other may find it difficult and challenging at times to stay afloat, lend support, and even maintain the connection.
So afterwards, my friend and I continued the evening with a late dinner and we found ourselves really immersed in conversation about the movie. We practically disected the entire anatomy of the film and eventually focused on the following question: Who among the characters do you relate to?
So that was easy for me - Miranda Hobbs, portrayed by Cynthia Nixon. I truly hated her character in the series because she reminded me of an uptight, man-hating lesbian (no offense to you ladies, I'm family myself) who just pissed at anyone who showed some signs of happiness and meaningful romantic relationship. Hahaha, ok maybe that's why I eventually ended up relating to her character so much. Anyway, after much more analyzation of Miranda, I realized that what really fascinates me about her is the"no bullshit" personality. She may have her personal biases, issues about men and relationships, and cynical outlook on life, but she strikes me as a powerful woman. She's educated, career-oriented, independent, and though a late-bloomer developed into quite a gorgeous redhead. She also seems to be the type who deals with her ghosts and all the fearful qualities of life. She may rant and bitch about it, but she's always dealt with and confronted some of the most uncomfortable and disconcerting issues in the show, particularly her fear of love, attachment, and abandonment . So more power to you, Miranda Hobbs!
The juicy conversation then diverted to the issue of friendships. My friend and I were once part of such a dynamic of a group of cosmopolitans during our 20s - 30 something. Damn, that socialization process was such hard work! And mind you, though there seemed to be a budding strong friendship quality to the group, that became merely a mask with many underlying individual complexes that just made it challenging to create homogeny. Going out to the clubs every weekend, figuring out what to wear, what guy was the eye candy of the week or month, talking about the sordid escapades of unrequited love and sexual encounters became old news to me, and I lost interest. It was also at this moment that I met my then partner of 8 years and I was applying to graduate schools. I felt like I wasn't being taken seriously, and most of our conversations revolved around men. It just lacked substance, and I found myself spending less time with the group until i lost touch with them completely. I must say though that I thank these three wonderful guys because much of the fun and joy I experienced in my gay 20s involved them, and for that I'm forever grateful. These guys can really party hard! Last year, we reconnected, and for old time's sake, we had dinner at one of San Francisco's posh restaurants and went to a club after. It's amazing how everyone still looks well-maintained and hot..LOL. We've matured very gracefully, and the universe has been really good to the four of us.
So my friend and I came to a concensus that friendships either thrive and evolve or stagnate and eventually dissolve. I suppose that this is neither good nor bad, it just is. And perhaps the longevity of the connection is reliant upon the purpose of being connected to begin with. Once the purpose has been completed, maybe we sometimes have to let go of what no longer serves us so that we may continue to learn, grow, and evolve.
Overall it was a time well spent with my bff (best friend forever haha). This is truly one connection that has evolved through the years as we constantly renew and update our contract with one another. Thanks bff, love ya.
I've attached a youtube snippet of "Sex and the City" movie. Enjoy...I did.
The series itself did an amazing job narrating the various lifestyles of women in their 30-something life cycle, and many of us vicariously lived through the triumphs, miseries, failures, and successes in their personal relationships. But most importantly, the show depicted the authentic nature of friendships, one that though rooted in solid ground of hodge podge of personalities, love, and solidarity amongst each other may find it difficult and challenging at times to stay afloat, lend support, and even maintain the connection.
So afterwards, my friend and I continued the evening with a late dinner and we found ourselves really immersed in conversation about the movie. We practically disected the entire anatomy of the film and eventually focused on the following question: Who among the characters do you relate to?
So that was easy for me - Miranda Hobbs, portrayed by Cynthia Nixon. I truly hated her character in the series because she reminded me of an uptight, man-hating lesbian (no offense to you ladies, I'm family myself) who just pissed at anyone who showed some signs of happiness and meaningful romantic relationship. Hahaha, ok maybe that's why I eventually ended up relating to her character so much. Anyway, after much more analyzation of Miranda, I realized that what really fascinates me about her is the"no bullshit" personality. She may have her personal biases, issues about men and relationships, and cynical outlook on life, but she strikes me as a powerful woman. She's educated, career-oriented, independent, and though a late-bloomer developed into quite a gorgeous redhead. She also seems to be the type who deals with her ghosts and all the fearful qualities of life. She may rant and bitch about it, but she's always dealt with and confronted some of the most uncomfortable and disconcerting issues in the show, particularly her fear of love, attachment, and abandonment . So more power to you, Miranda Hobbs!
The juicy conversation then diverted to the issue of friendships. My friend and I were once part of such a dynamic of a group of cosmopolitans during our 20s - 30 something. Damn, that socialization process was such hard work! And mind you, though there seemed to be a budding strong friendship quality to the group, that became merely a mask with many underlying individual complexes that just made it challenging to create homogeny. Going out to the clubs every weekend, figuring out what to wear, what guy was the eye candy of the week or month, talking about the sordid escapades of unrequited love and sexual encounters became old news to me, and I lost interest. It was also at this moment that I met my then partner of 8 years and I was applying to graduate schools. I felt like I wasn't being taken seriously, and most of our conversations revolved around men. It just lacked substance, and I found myself spending less time with the group until i lost touch with them completely. I must say though that I thank these three wonderful guys because much of the fun and joy I experienced in my gay 20s involved them, and for that I'm forever grateful. These guys can really party hard! Last year, we reconnected, and for old time's sake, we had dinner at one of San Francisco's posh restaurants and went to a club after. It's amazing how everyone still looks well-maintained and hot..LOL. We've matured very gracefully, and the universe has been really good to the four of us.
So my friend and I came to a concensus that friendships either thrive and evolve or stagnate and eventually dissolve. I suppose that this is neither good nor bad, it just is. And perhaps the longevity of the connection is reliant upon the purpose of being connected to begin with. Once the purpose has been completed, maybe we sometimes have to let go of what no longer serves us so that we may continue to learn, grow, and evolve.
Overall it was a time well spent with my bff (best friend forever haha). This is truly one connection that has evolved through the years as we constantly renew and update our contract with one another. Thanks bff, love ya.
I've attached a youtube snippet of "Sex and the City" movie. Enjoy...I did.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
New Beginning...New Learnings
Summer is officially over for me beginning tomorrow, school goes back into session. I don't know whether to leap for joy or weep for once again submitting myself to an array of provocative, evocative, life-altering mental workout. I'm entering my doctorate program's second year, and not a day passes by that i don't question why I'm pursuing such a deeply involved and monumental endeavour. It's so intense!
I am in the midst of resculpting my life, and many times I am very overwhelmed by not so much the myriad of the alterations that are taking place but by the intensity of the emotion of fear that is so unshakable at times that I feel very much crippled and despaired. As fragments of myself are being chiseled, I am left feeling raw, vulnerable, and exposed. My heart and soul ache, yet my conscious mind nonchalantly shrug this off as inconvenient nonsense, false and histrionic. My recent state of affairs have been very present in my dreams lately, and there have been moments when their emotional component is carried over to my waking state, fermenting and lasting. This is what being in the Ph.D. program has done to me so far. Surprisingly enough, in the past year I've learned more about myself that I ever have at any given moment. I think I just had an "aha" moment. Perhaps this is the reason why I'm insistent on taking this path. I really want to rediscover more of who I am and what my reality is all about, based on nobody else's agenda but my own.
So as I begin a new chapter of experiences, I'm accruing more wisdom. I'm stepping into my power, and I embrace this with much openness and gratitude.
I am in the midst of resculpting my life, and many times I am very overwhelmed by not so much the myriad of the alterations that are taking place but by the intensity of the emotion of fear that is so unshakable at times that I feel very much crippled and despaired. As fragments of myself are being chiseled, I am left feeling raw, vulnerable, and exposed. My heart and soul ache, yet my conscious mind nonchalantly shrug this off as inconvenient nonsense, false and histrionic. My recent state of affairs have been very present in my dreams lately, and there have been moments when their emotional component is carried over to my waking state, fermenting and lasting. This is what being in the Ph.D. program has done to me so far. Surprisingly enough, in the past year I've learned more about myself that I ever have at any given moment. I think I just had an "aha" moment. Perhaps this is the reason why I'm insistent on taking this path. I really want to rediscover more of who I am and what my reality is all about, based on nobody else's agenda but my own.
So as I begin a new chapter of experiences, I'm accruing more wisdom. I'm stepping into my power, and I embrace this with much openness and gratitude.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Filipinoness
So I'm really in love with this song that speaks about pride for one's roots, heritage, and race. And I am extremely proud to be a Filipino in America, one who represents the collective desires, optimism, and hope for success of my fellow brothers and sisters from my homeland. Growing up in the States, I feel fortunate to have had the opportunities to really declare who I am and what continues to unfold for me. And as I continue to evolve, I find myself very much drawn to my roots. There's a feeling of wanting to "come home" and really embody all the beauty the motherland, Pilipinas, represents.
The Dream - A Tribute to My Late Grandfather, Macario
as i sit in an empty room in my house, my departed lolo walked in to pay me a visit. we began to reminisce about the time when i was four years old and we trekked in the remote jungle of the philippines. during our trip, we got lost and couldn't find our way back home, but an enchanted horse appeared out of nowhere and spoke to us, "come follow me, and i will take you home." we made it home safe and sound just as the sun was beginning to rise. and then i woke up.
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